It’s easy to date with rose-colored glasses because at the end of the day it’s normal to desire romantic love. Dating can be such fun when you are intentional about having new, exciting experiences, and meeting new people. In my lived experience though, nothing tops dating when you have strong self-confidence, positive energy, and discernment, so make sure to cultivate these values before jumping into the deep end of the dating pool. 

Being resilient when dating comes with practice — and there may be lots of frogs before you meet your perfect match. So many of my friends and I have had to learn about dating from trial and error. There is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about because we all have romanticized the guy we are really into and jump to wedding planning mode, only to realize later down the line so many red flags you overlooked.

Now, if you’re looking for something casual (which is totally fine!), then this list may not be for you. If you’re trying to be committed and it seems like there’s a disconnect though, you’ve come to the right place

So let’s take some time to run through a few scenarios that here is to help you look for a few tale signs that may help you recognize when a guy is just not the one for you. 

Here are 10 signs to recognize when he’s just not into you.

1. He’s self-absorbed. He doesn’t ask questions about your goals, passions, or purpose. He misses or neglects all of your special moments in your life. There’s no real substance to your conversations and the topics center around him all of the time.

2. The communication is inconsistent. You have to maintain consistency in the conversation in order to hear from him because when you’re not in his presence it’s “out of sight, out of mind.” Phone calls are rare — if they happen at all. When they do happen, they’re brief or filled with empty flattery to keep your interest. Most texts are “Wyd?” and “Good morning, beautiful” sporadically with no real follow-up for plans. Conversations wax and wane, meaning some days you can text all day, then others you’ll go days even weeks without hearing from him.

3. He only wants to Netflix & chill. He’ll only hit you up with last-minute plans to do something on the fly. All of his plans are low effort, like watching movies, and take place at his house.

4. Plans always fall through. If a guy is constantly rescheduling, it may be time to let go. So, if he hits you up a week before, asks what your plans are, schedules a date, and then ghosts you, detach. Quickly.

5. He’s emotionally unavailable. He consistently tells you he’s not interested in a committed relationship. He talks about being focused on himself right now and not looking for something “serious.” He tries to keep you guys from getting too intimate or seeing one another too frequently. He also never talks about a future with you or plans that include you or a romantic relationship. He often mentions how much he loves the freedom of being single and living life as a bachelor. 

6. He never tries to help out. He’s not solution-oriented and doesn’t look to help you through problems. He doesn’t even aspire to help you through difficult situations. He has no interest in making your life more convenient or easier. He may offer a listening ear and tell you “You’ll be okay,” but he offers no physical or financial assistance to help you when you are in need.

7. He’s clearly on the rebound. He frequently makes his ex the topic of conversation. He emphasizes stories about all of the things she did for him in the past (good or bad) to subconsciously put you in competition with other people. He compares you to other women as a means of negative reinforcement. He wants you to see other women, past, present, or future as your competition and motivate you to prove you are a better option over them. 

8. All he talks about is sex. He doesn’t seem really interested in being your friend (let alone anything more). He wants to go with the flow and see how things go. He is quick to jump to sexual conversations, he wants to know your favorite position more than your favorite food. He has a visceral reaction or avoidant attitude towards conversations about commitment or the next steps in the relationship. 

9. He’s not paying attention to you. Well first off, if you don’t know your love language, I recommend you take the quiz to learn the ways you would want to be loved. Once you find this out, this can be a great tool of measure to assess a potential partner’s interest in you. In this case, he doesn’t speak to or acknowledge your love language. Whether it be your desire for gifts, acts of service, or words of affirmation, he never asks and he never honors it. 

10. You feel like you’re in the friendzone. He treats you like one of the bros and may even refer to you as such. Asks for romantic advice about other women. He relies on you for emotional labor. He invites you to “hang” or “chill” at casual places as friends. He expects you to pay your own way whenever you hang out. He comments on other women’s appearance and flirts with strangers in your presence. 

Photo credit: Isaiah Stewart