Valentine’s Day is around the corner, which is a time for lovers to woo their partners with roses, candlelit dinners, and lavish gifts to flaunt them on social media. Still, on the opposite side of the screen, negative feelings might arise when romance is nonexistent.
Around this time, Instagram lures individuals into a deep rabbit hole to remind us of our vapid experiences with love. Although, we should not seek validation from social media when finding a partner or determining how a relationship should be run, we do live in a digitized society. Today, Zillennials use the internet to seek dates, or as inspiration to express gratitude towards your loved one.
Society tries to exempt Black women from courtship and romance. It’s time to remind ourselves we are at our greatest potential. These professionals relay different perspectives on manifesting a lifetime of love and self-worth. Thanks to your virtual big sister, Girls United, we’ve curated a guide for Zillennial women whose purpose is not to be a “pick-me” but summoned by a partner whose authenticity outweighs their hidden ambitions.
Delusion Toward Love: Oblivious or Manifestion Tactic?
There comes a time in dating when the vibes are right, giving you the green light to look beyond staying in a situationship. However, we become shortsighted by potential rather than reality when seeking companionship. As children, cartoons conditioned young girls to fantasize about our prince charming and one true love. Women mature to believe these aspirations reflect romance. “I think people are trying to win the championship in their 20s without realizing that we’re in the D-league,” says dating coach Anwar White.
White uses TikTok to relay his message of wanting Black women to recognize their value in dating. Through his work he shares that clients envision idealistic connections after the first conversation. Romance starts when a partner proves they’re a worthy match, which is usually around the third date. When women ideate unfulfilled bonds, they leave the relationship disappointed. While in the honeymoon stage, some women negate their intuition instead of requiring discernment. White states dating in your 20s is about learning yourself and practicing conflict resolution.
Chicago-based relational and sex-positive EMDR-trained therapist, Sara Marsha advocates for romanticism. Marsha’s interest in her profession started with her inquisitiveness about how relationships shape human interaction. “We don’t get to choose who we love, but we have the choice to decide what we do with them,” Marsha tells GU. “It’s not a bad thing to manifest for a relationship, especially when you feel an innate connection but you don’t want that innate connection to take that individual in front of you.”
Protect Your Body & Beware Of The Groomers.
Social media commentator and podcaster Amani Worthem creates relationship-based content and worries about falling into an embarrassing situation. Despite her fears, Worthem believes love follows genuine people. She notes that low-vibrational men humiliate Black women as a distraction to project their insecurities. Modern relationships are emotionally and physically transactional, and she believes desirability is challenging for successful Black unions. “People expect things from you when you look a certain way,” she says. “The world dictates that our strong suit is our looks.”
Marsha advises observing a potential partner’s actions to see how they perceive your figure but continue celebrating your body and mind. Physicality should not factor if a person respects you because we are not props, we’re human beings. “Black women who are curvy have been sexualized by the media and across the world,” she says. “The concern a lot of folks have is they don’t want to feel sexualized, and that being an erasure of romanticism, no matter why they’re pursuing dating.”
White advises his curvy, plus-size clients to assert clear boundaries. If a date mentions or touches your body, they’re predatory and grooming you. For some, a curvy girl’s silhouette prompts dehumanization. Stand in your power and never discount your worth. “You have to realize you’re for the few, not for the many. That’s the case whatever size you are,” he says.
Be Love, Don’t Force Love
As women, we date to fulfill a purpose. It’s vital to maintain self-love to avoid desperation and attract low-value partners. Your happiness is not a burden nor should it be compromised for an unfilling relationship in the name of romance.
Though therapy is recommended before entering any romantic situation, Marsha believes healing with a committed partner can foster a safe environment, while being present as a lover. White insists vulnerability exerts divine feminine energy. Unpacking trauma is a step to radiating happiness. Also, love can be universally challenging, but it’s easier to navigate it with a community.
Take the steps to nurture your mental health while manifesting your desires. Worthem advises relationships should add value to life, not complete it. As a young Black woman, Worthem wants to pour into our generation and the Black family power structure. “We can’t have the Black community without Black families and love. I still believe in Black marriages. I want better for my people,” she says.
About Ayeshah: Ayeshah Plummer is a fashion, beauty and lifestyle writer. When she’s not writing she curates her own content focusing on hair and makeup.