Have you ever had the urge to take a look inside your partner’s phone? We’re talking about call logs, emails, DMs, and maybe even a glance at that group chat. Perhaps you and your partner trust each other and there’s no need to snoop or you’re open about sharing passwords and it’s natural to go through their phone.
In a viral TikTok, a woman shared a story about how her former classmate went through their high school sweetheart’s phone and found out her child’s father was not only cheating but also having sexual intercourse with men. He was also HIV positive. Let’s also mention, when the woman discovered this information she was already seven months pregnant. Here’s the question, is going through your partner’s phone acceptable? According to licensed therapist Eric Lownsberry, M.A, LPC, LPCS, “It’s a kind of a double-edged sword.”
According to the relationship guru, to establish trust in a relationship there has to be some form of transparency. If you’re the partner going through the phone out of control then the answer is no. However, if your gut is telling you something is off and you’re unsure why you aren’t happy with that person that’s where the slippery slope begins.
“If I don’t have anything to be secretive about it doesn’t bother me that you go through my phone, but you have to ask yourself; if you’re keeping friends that your partner doesn’t know about, if you’re doing things that your partner doesn’t know about, where does secrecy versus autonomy cease,and that becomes a gray line,” Lownsberry tells GU.
From a woman’s perspective, if your intuition is telling you your partner may be cheating; you won’t stop digging until you find something. Sometimes you won’t find any hard-core evidence but you won’t believe it, and continuing to dig is where you go wrong.
Lownsberry says paying attention to signs could sometimes tell you everything you need to know. For example, if your partner swiftly puts their phone down every time you enter a room, or clicks out of apps when they see you, that could be a sign that they’re doing something behind your back. If you don’t feel that’s the nail in the coffin to determine if they’re stepping out on the relationship, Lownsberry suggests asking harmless questions and if they get defensive you may have a cheater on your hands.
“Even if I don’t have anything to hide, when you come to me with an irrational fear and I become defensive, that irrational fear becomes very real and it will not go away until I make it go away for you,” says Lownsberry. “That’s my role as your partner. I have to create a space for you to feel safe.”
Jacquline Williams, a now single woman, said her intuition told her that her previous relationship might have been a sham, prompting her curiosity to snoop, “I found out the answers I was looking for, either he was cheating, being unfaithful or being not true to the relationship. One time is enough because once you find out your answer you know your decision whether you want to be with that person or you want to move on.”
We asked another woman with a different perspective who feels snooping is a form of jealousy, insecurity, and power-plays. Girlfriend and Mother Adaiye Williams, says going through phones jeopardizes the relationship due to control and insecurities.
“I just feel like it’s not a good idea to go through your significant other’s phone while dating them because I feel like that’s giving leverage over your relationship and it shows a sense of control,” said Williams.
It’s important to understand when entering a relationship, that there’s always a chance you can get your heart broken, however, snooping won’t make them loyal or more trustworthy.
“If you’re ever in a situation where your boundaries are being crossed, make the decision to love and respect yourself and walk away,” says Lownsberry.
Shawnia Butler is a Multimedia Journalist, making waves at an ABC affiliate news station covering stories on crime, politics, and accountability pieces, hard-breaking news and reporting on all things fun, pop culture, and entertainment.