Cuffing season can bring a variety of love pursuits that help keep things fresh and exciting for those seeking companionship. While the dating scene can seem nerve-wracking, it’s completely natural to fear rejection or face another tough experience in pursuit of love. However, instead of venturing out to explore new connections, we often find ourselves gravitating toward what feels familiar—an ex. This raises the question: are exes the best place to truly find love? Was your ex your first love or first hard lesson? If so, did you dodge a bullet or miss your last chance at happiness? GU spoke with Lamarr Lewis about navigating past relationships and how these experiences can affect reconnecting with new love interests.
There are times where revisiting a previous relationship that didn’t end on bad terms can be reconciled and there can be a possibility for a fresh start. We’ve seen this story play out countless times, whether in fictional love stories like Issa and Lawrence in Insecure or the unforeseen examples that Keisha and Justin may display in Season 2 of Forever, or even in many celebrity relationships over the years. There are many instances where a reconnection can reignite a relationship. Statistics even show that between 40% and 50% of couples who break up will get back together, with long-term success rates of around 15 to 25%. This suggests that the idea isn’t entirely impossible.
However, is this alternative the best choice for your previous relationship, and who determines which relationships can be revived? While generally the only person who can decide the success of a relationship is the two significant others involved, there may be warning signs indicating whether reconnecting with an ex is in your best interest. It has been shown that many individuals lack the proper tools to grieve their past relationships and have developed a culture of jumping immediately from one relationship to another. Lewis discussed how this is a clear sign that their self-esteem has been damaged and strongly recommends reconnecting with yourself or seeking counseling from a non-family member or friend to redirect that internal anxious energy.
Let’s say you have given yourself ample time to grieve the relationship, but you may have lacked the discipline to properly establish boundaries with your ex. Due to you not making a clean break between you and your ex, you might have created a toxic situation with new love connections. Lewis discussed the importance of providing a clean break with no communication to reaffirm boundaries before even trying to reconnect. “I know ghosting isn’t seen in the best light, but it’s your protective measure in this case,” Lewis told GU. By creating distance from your previous relationship, you can better assess your emotional intelligence regarding how this person makes you feel and determine if the relationship is healthy or toxic.
Set aside some time to evaluate whether your ex may exhibit toxic attention-seeking behaviors during your breakup, helping you decide if you need to rekindle the relationship or if you just dodged a bullet. Lewis emphasized that although these explorations in love can be difficult to navigate, giving yourself time to focus on yourself is the best choice and not being with your ex. “In time you will realize that things happen for a reason and you will be better off on the other side. You have to give yourself to go through the grieving process and sometimes we are not grieving the person, but just what they represented to us,” Lewis told GU.
That said, exes may seem like a safe place because they’ve known you for a long time or have insight into you beyond a stranger. However, that doesn’t mean they are the best choice for you. As Summer Walker said, “they are an ex for a reason”. Unless the love transcends time like a forever love of my life connection- a Love Jones type of fiction story, rekindling will end in nothing positive. If they are the love of your life, don’t be fearful of the deep end. Don’t waste a lifetime searching for what you’ll love next lifetime.
However, if it’s an ex that ended in infidelity or abuse then it might be best to leave it in the past. In better terms, adopt the phrase “I don’t have an ex” because sometimes that previous relationships are meant to be buried and never dug up again.